Writing

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  • From delulu to trululu

    Magandang umaga sa lahat—sa mga bisita natin ngayon, sa mga guro, magulang, at siyempre, sa mga completer!

    Nakarating na tayo sa exciting part! Congrats sa inyong lahat!

    Sa mga magulang, kulminasyon ito ng pagsisikap para mabigyan ng magandang buhay ang mga anak. Sa mga guro, pagwawakas ito ng kabanata kasama ang mga estudyanteng ginabayan sa loob ng ilang taon. Sa mga mag-aaral, pagtatapos ito ng isang bahagi ng buhay at pagsisimula ng isa pa.

    Marami sa mga completer natin ngayon, tutuloy sa senior high school. Ang ilan, sa kung ano mang dahilan, sasabak diretso sa kung tawagin ay real world. At siyempre, mayroon din mga tutuloy sa pag-aaral habang kumakayod. Sa anumang kategorya ka nabibilang, isa lang ang hiling ko para iyo: Ang magkaroon ka ng buhay na kasiya-siya o fulfilling.

    Sa tingin ko, makakatulong sa pagkamit mo nito ang pagsiguro na nasa tama kang kuwento. Gaano man kaganda sa paningin ng iba ang mga nangyayari sa buhay mo, kung ikaw mismo ay hindi kumbinsido na nasa tama kang istorya, malamang, hindi ka masyadong masisiyahan.

    Pero paano mo nga ba masisigurong nasa tamang kuwento ka? Mayroon akong ilang tips na puwede niyong sundan.

    1. Take charge of your own story

    Maging paladesisyon ka. Isipin mo, wala ka sa isang fictional narrative. True story ito, at hindi ka lang basta main character. Ikaw din ang writer. Kaya huwag kang maging extra sa sarili mong kuwento.

    Natutunan ko iyan noong second year college ako’t nagipit nang husto ang pamilya namin. Imbes maghintay na bumuti ang sitwasyon, nagdesisyon akong magtrabaho. Sakto, 18 years old na ako noon. Na-hire ako bilang isang part-time academic tutor. Di nagtagal, pinasok ko na rin ang iba pang raket. Sulat-sulat, edit-edit, tutor-tutor para may pantustos sa pag-aaral at pang-araw-araw na pangangailangan, lalo na’t hindi pa libre noon sa UP. Hanggang sa di ko na lang namalayan, nasa finish line na ako. Pinagpatuloy ko lang ang ganoong mindset. Kapag may gusto ako, pinaghihirapan ko. Pinapangatawanan ko ang gusto kong daloy ng kuwento ko.

    2. Take what you need, leave what you don’t

    Habang isinusulat mo kuwento mo, makakarinig ka ng opinyon ng iba tungkol sa kung ano ang dapat mong gawin. Di ito maiiwasan dahil kahit sa mga literary work, uso ang pagbibigay ng feedback, solicited man o hindi. Pero kahit sa workshop pa iyan, malinaw na bilang may-akda, ikaw pa rin ang masusunod sa huli.

    Ganoon din sa buhay. Kahit anong sabihin ng iba, ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang masusunod—kung anong landas ang gusto mong tahakin, kung sa anong paraan, at kung anong standard ng success ang susundin mo.

    Mahalaga ang mga ito, lalo na iyong huli. Sa panahon kasi ngayon, madali tayong mabudol ng social media. Kaka-scroll natin at kakasilip sa kung paano mabuhay ang iba, minsan ang dali nating mapaniwala na dapat ganoon din ang buhay natin. Unhealthy ito dahil may iba’t iba naman tayong gusto sa buhay. Iba-iba rin ang mga privelege na mayroon tayo, pati na rin abilidad.

    Noong bata pa ako, akala ko, may isang depinisyon lang ng tagumpay. Kaya noong magtapos ako bilang veledictorian noong high school, ramdam ko ang pressure. Dapat maging successful ako. Pero habang tumatanda, naisip kong hindi ko pala trip ang mga bagay na tipikal na iniuugnay sa tagumpay. Puwedeng iba pala ang meaning nito depende sa tao.

    Ngayon, ito para sa akin ang tagumpay: Pagkakaroon ng buhay kung saan hindi ako nasi-stress kung may kakainin pa o kung may panggastos sa ibang pangangailangan. Pagtira sa isang lugar kung saan naroon ang lahat ng kailangan ko. Pagkakaroon ng kakayahayang maghanapbuhay sa paraang gusto ko—sa kaso ko, pagsusulat. Pagkakaroon ng sapat na oras na gawin ang iba ko pang gusto—paglikha, pagbabasa libro, pagtunganga habang nagkakape para magmuni-muni, at pagkakaroon ng quality time kasama ang asawa ko, ang dalawa naming pusa, iba pang kapamilya, at mga kaibigan. Sa madaling sabi, tagumpay na para sa akin ang pagkakaroon ng de-kalidad na buhay na hindi ko kinaiinisan paggising ko sa umaga. Di perpekto, pero hindi ko gustong takbuhan kahit may mga aberya minsan.

    Marami pa akong ibang ambisyon. Bilang tao, hindi naman din talaga tayo natatapos mangarap. At siyempre, tagumpay ding maituturing ang pagkamit sa mga iyon. Pero kung ano ang mayroon ako ngayon, masasabi kong kuntento ako.

    Sana, mahanap mo rin kung anuman ang makakapagbigay sa iyo ng ganitong pakiramdam. Kaya sana, huwag mong hayaang ibang tao ang magdikta sa iyo ng kung ano dapat ang maging batayan mo ng tagumpay. Kaya kapag may naririnig kang opinyon ng iba, kunin mo lang ang kung ano sa tingin mo ang makakatulong sa iyo. Ang hindi, iwanan mo.

    3. If you’re happy and you know it, don’t be afraid to start over

    Hindi totoo na kung nasaan ka ngayon ay di ka na puwedeng umalis. Gawa-gawa lang iyan ng illuminati. Sa karera man o sa personal na relasyon, hindi kailangang magpaka-martir.

    Gets ko, hindi lahat ng tao at di puwedeng sa lahat ng oras, puwedeng mag-walkout ka na lang basta. Lalo na kung may mga taong umaasa sa iyo. Pero sige, ganito na lang: Kung hindi man kaya ngayon, edi sa susunod na pagkakataon. Ang mahalaga, hindi mo nakakalimutan kung ano yung sa tingin mo ay deserve mo. Isa pa, magandang simula na rin iyong alam mo na may iba ka pang gusto. Huwag mong bitawan ang kagustuhan mong iyan dahil iyan ang sasagip sa iyo kapag tingin mo ay susuko ka na.

    Ilang beses na rin akong naligaw sa maling kuwento. Buti na lang, kahit medyo natagalan, natauhan pa rin ako’t nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na umalis at magsimula ulit—bad breakups, resignation sa kumpanya na matagal nang pinapasukan, pati pag-drop out sa master’s program kahit thesis na lang ang kulang dahil iba ang gusto kong gawin. Grabe ang kaba ko as mga oras na iyon, pero hindi naman ako makakarating sa kung nasaan ako ngayon kung hindi ko nilakasan ang loob ko.

    Kaya huwag kang magpadala sa pressure ng lipunan tungkol sa mga imaginary guidelines at deadlines na naglilimita sa tao, lalo na kapag babae ka. Respect your pace. At, hangga’t maaari, doon ka sa gusto mo. Mas madaling maging magaling sa isang bagay na gusto mong gawin.

    4. Focus on characters that value to the narrative

    Sa kuwento mo, may karapatan kang magdesisyon kung sinu-sino lang ang bibigyan mo ng oras at atensiyon. Malaya ka ring huwag bigyan ng airtime sa ang mga taong toxic na walang ibang ginawa kundi iparamdam sa iyo na hindi ka sapat, o kaya iyong mga marites na mas marunong pa sa iyo kahit walang ambag.

    Na-bully ako noong high school. Akala ko noon, normal lang iyon kaya kailangan kong magtiis o maghintay na lang hanggang mawala ang inis nila sa akin. Pero pagdating ko sa kolehiyo, nakakilala ako ng mga tao na tanggap ako at kayang sakyan ang mga trip ko. Doon, nagdesisyon akong sila ang mas bigyan ng oras, lalo na’t pakiramdam ko, mas makakatulong sila sa personal growth ko. Hindi naman ako nagkamali, dahil malaki talaga ang naitulong nila sa akin para mas mapayaman ko kung ano ang mayroon ako. At hanggang ngayon, bahagi sila ng support system ko.

    Applicable din ito sa mga kaibigan at pamilya. Gaano mo man sila kamahal, kung hindi sila nakakabuti sa iyo, baka kailangang dumistansiya ka muna. Baka ito na rin ang magbibigay sa iyo ng sapat na espasyo para maisulat mo ang istorya na gusto mo.

    5. Be comfortable with roadblocks and loose ends

    Di madaling maging kabataan ngayon. Ang daming problema sa lipunan at mundo. Mahirap din talaga ang buhay. Ang mahal ng lahat. Kaya kung mahirapan ka man kahit grabe na ang kayod mo, isipin mo, hindi ka nag-iisa. Hindi ka failure. Mahirap talaga kapag sistema ang problema.

    Pero di rin ibig sabihin nito, susuko ka na. Magpatuloy ka pa rin habang nananatiling mulat at may pakialam sa lipunang ginagalawan mo. Para hindi ka masyadong mapagod, kailangan maging komportable ka sa ideya na hindi laging aayon sa plano ang mga bagay. Kumbaga sa pagsusulat, kailangan mong tanggapin na minsan may mga roadblock at loose end.

    Kahit sa kuwento ng buhay ko, may mga bagay pa rin na hindi ko pa napi-figure out. May mga oras pa rin na pakiramdam ko, hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko. Pero laban pa rin! Wala namang perpektong manuscript. Kahit iyong mga published na, minsan, may flaws pa rin.

    6. Root for your own character

    Napansin mo ba, uso sa ating mga Pinoy na kapag may pumuri sa iyo, di mo dapat i-claim? Kapag sinabihan kang magaling, isasagot mo, “Di naman!”

    Ganito ako noon. Pero, habang tumatanda, natutunan ko na kapag may pumuri sa gawa ko, ang mas dapat ko palang sabihin ay, “Salamat!” Anong gagawin ko kung talagang pinaghirapan ko naman talaga ang output ko kaya maganda? Sasabihin kong hindi para lang masabing humble?

    Dahil sa ganitong mindset, naging mas magaling akong cheerleader ng sarili ko. Lagi kong ina-assess kung kumusta ang gawa ko, at kung sure akong pinagpaguran ko iyon at maganda ang kinalabasan, ike-claim ko talaga. At dahil alam kong ginalingan ko, kahit walang ibang makapansin, at least, malinaw sa sarili ko na deserve ko ang magandang outcome.

    Alam ko, minsan, iniisip ng iba, ang delulu ko. Pero sa dami ng nega sa mundo, pati ba naman ako, magiging hater ng sarili ko? Oo, di maiwasan na maging kritikal sa sarili kung minsan. Kailangan din naman iyon. Pero, malaking bagay talaga na alam ko kung kailan magbubuhat ng bangko. At sa totoo lang, sa mga pagkakataong pakiramdam ko ay walang ibang naniniwala sa akin, okey pa rin ako dahil kakampi ko ang sarili ko.

    Sana ikaw din. Root for yourself. Maniwala ka sa kakayahan mo, keber kahit isipin ng iba na feelingera ka. Dahil bukod sa pagiging mabuti at patas sa kapwa, mahalaga ring maging mabuti at patas ka sa sarili mo na main character sa kuwentong nililikha mo.

    Maganda pa rin ang daigdig. I-romanticize mo ang buhay paminsan-minsan. Celebrate your wins, big or small. Huwag mong pigilan ang sarili mo na sumaya. Dahil ang taong masaya at kuntento, mas may kakayahang maging mabuting anak, kapatid, kapareha sa buhay, kaibigan, kapwa, at produktibong mamamayan.

    Kung fulfilled ka dahil alam mong nasa tamang kuwento ka, mas may energy kang mag-ambag ng kabutihan sa lipunan at mundo. Mas kaya mong ipaglaban ang mga adbokasiya na malapit sa puso mo. So, may your delulu come trululu!

    Maraming salamat sa pakikinig at isang mainit pagbati muli sa lahat!

    Ibinahagi ko ang talumpating ito bilang panauhing pandangal sa Ika-9 na Palatuntunan ng Pag-Angat ng Antas sa San Isidro National High School, Antipolo City, na ginanap noong Mayo 30, 2024.

  • Watch me eat my feelings

    Food is so close to my heart that almost every memory tucked away inside my head is anchored to a particular dish or food item. When I look back to a memorable meal, what I mostly recall is the way it made me feel as I was devouring it.

    I also remember people by the food I associate them with, like what we ate the last time we spent together. Moreover, I believe that one of the best ways to show someone how much you care about them is by making sure they are fed.

    Obviously, I am very emotional when it comes to food. I think this has to do with some mental health stuff.

    When deciding what to eat, for example, I usually go for whatever feels the most comforting at the moment. I can be at a fancy buffet and still crave a bowl of instant ramen just because it reminds me of when the same cheap noodle soup kept me warm on a cold, lonely night.

    Sometimes, I choose junk food despite being aware of how badly my body would react to it simply because I’m feeling nostalgic and want to reminisce about an earlier time when the only problem I had was I couldn’t convince my mother to let me buy my favorite chips.

    At this point, I think it’s already clear how fascinated I am by the intersections and overlaps between food, emotions, and memories. And yes, you got it right; I wish to talk about these things—and more—in my newsletter called “Eating My Feelings,” which can be viewed for free at minaeats.substack.com.

    I am in no way promoting unhealthy eating habits. In fact, I have been trying so hard to change my ways. It’s just that I know transforming one’s relationship with food isn’t something that can be easily done overnight. It is so much more complicated than that. But maybe, talking about these complexities can somehow contribute to my healing that could, in turn, help me change for the better.

    Who knows? Perhaps, in the course of posting updates here, I can truly make some progress. That would be a great outcome for me.

    Finally, I hope that you can get something from this, too. I hope you join me on this journey.

  • Why I write

    It all began when I was in fifth grade. Our English teacher and adviser asked if I would like to join the school’s English publication. Back then, I didn’t really understand what it meant. But campus journalism seemed fun. Also, Mama said, “Why not?” And so I did.

    The following week, I was told to go to school early, so I could attend the training sessions in the morning. I belonged to the afternoon shift then, and going to school early meant having to wake up earlier than usual. It didn’t thrill me at all. Plus, it also meant missing my favorite morning shows on MTV Channel. Worse, I found the training sessions boring. Editorial writing? Duh.

    A few days into the training, the coach approached me, telling me that we were attending a series of lectures on campus journalism at another school the next day. She instructed me to bring a packed lunch and extra cash and inform my parents that I’d be out for the entire day in the next two days.

    It wasn’t the first time I was participating in an activity outside school, so of course, Mama was okay with it. In fact, she was excited for me. She thought it would be cool for me to learn more about writing.

    What we didn’t know, though, was there would be a competition at the end of every lecture. I only realized that on the first day of the event. I was scared because I hadn’t really prepared. I had only been training for a couple of days, and the only type of article I’d been thoroughly taught about was Editorial.

    But since I was so scared of Ma’am Luz, our coach, I joined the contests anyway. All of them. Despite having limited knowledge about campus journalism, I tried my best to be creative, spell words correctly, and ensure my handwriting was legible. And I followed the lecturers’ instructions.

    I ended up bagging five awards, including top spots in Feature Writing and Editorial Cartooning. Ma’am Luz was so happy, and she kept bragging that it was my first time, that I had only been training for a few days, and that I was just in grade five. I was too young to be there. At that time, it was usually the graduating students who were set to compete. Of course, school paper advisers from other schools were impressed.

    That went on until I reached sixth grade and then high school. The only difference was, out of stubbornness, I decided to join the Filipino publication in high school instead. Just for a change.

    I kept getting awards in high school, and I always made it to the Regional Schools Press Conference, which meant a lot to every honor student. Just being a participant there meant having extra points for extra co-curricular activities, which of course was included in the computation of the grades among those running for honors.

    In my third year, I made it to the National Schools Press Conference. Not just that, our team actually won first place in Scriptwriting and Radio Broadcasting. At that time, I was already the editor-in-chief of the publication. It was weird, for the position was usually given to graduating students who needed the points the most.

    It all continued in my fourth year. I did not make it to the National Presscon that year, but I was able to win other essay writing competitions, both in English and Filipino.

    Because of my victories, it became too easy for me to decide what course to take in college: journalism. Some of my teachers weren’t too happy about it, thinking it would be such a waste of talent. They thought I should choose another program, preferably something more practical like accountancy or engineering. I told them I didn’t like to be like everyone else in our batch. Plus, writing was my thing.

    Then, graduation came. Again, I graduated top of the class-number one among around 600 students. I was once again named Journalist of the Year. I got other awards, too, but I can no longer remember all of them. Let’s just say that at that time, I was convinced that I was really good at writing. I was ready for UP Baguio, where I was about to major in Communication.

    At UP Baguio, things seemed fine. In fact, a professor encouraged me to write more after reading my first output in his class. He praised my essay for its creativity and boldness, and he liked it despite having some grammatical errors. He liked my other submissions, too. That year, I also fell in love with literature. Finally, able to have a legitimate library experience, I tried to expose myself to more literary classics.

    A few months before the end of the academic year, I made up my mind: instead of pursuing journalism, I’d be a creative writer. And so, I submitted my application for the creative writing program at UP Diliman. Apart from grade requirements, there was a writing test as well. Fortunately, I passed. I transferred the following school year.

    I was so thrilled with my new program. However, it was also there that I began developing a lot of insecurities. My classmates, who were mostly from prominent private schools and who grew up speaking English and reading good books, intimidated me. I admired how eloquent their prose and verses were and I was jealous. Around them, I realized how unpolished my language was.

    But I did not give up. Despite getting a lot of negative comments regarding how awkward some of my sentences were and being reprimanded over grammatical errors, I did not give up. Instead, I pushed myself harder.

    During my last semester, a professor told me that I had actually been improving. Hard work was paying off. Not bad.

    Then I graduated and went to work as an article writer in Makati. It was not my first job. Even before that, I was already working as a writer for a production company. I had gigs with several companies, too. In the years to come, I would do editorial work for other companies as well. So I’d learn about other forms of writing, particularly the types of writing that could pay the bills.

    But even then, I made a commitment to myself that I would still read a lot and try to improve my creative writing skills. I would polish my craft. I knew I had to work harder, given how behind I had been compared to other writers my age. I was okay with the idea. In fact, I found it exciting.

    However, life happened. I had to deal not just with work but also with family-related dramas and messy relationships, which were so draining and time-consuming. I also struggled financially, especially when I decided to leave my family’s home.

    Suddenly, I had little to no time to write. It was hard. I wanted so bad to create, but there was just too much happening around me and I was overwhelmed. Yet, I realized: Why would I let people around me dictate what I could and couldn’t do?

    And so I fought. I fought for the chance to write again. I fixed my life and turned it into something that would let me do things that I really wanted to do, even if it meant losing certain people along the way. In my head, I was simply choosing myself and my dreams.

    It’s already been three years since I made that difficult decision, and I am happy about my progress. It isn’t that much, since I still have to mind other things like work and grad school, but still, not bad. I have produced a couple of strong pieces in the last three years, published a piece in a magazine, and made it to a national writers’ workshop. And, just last week, I received an email saying that my essay has been accepted in a major literary journal in the country.

    Moreover, I am still writing. I don’t stop. No matter how busy I am with work and personal life, I still find time to create. And I’ve never felt more confident with my work.

    Of course, I still have bad days. A lot of them. There are still moments when I simply feel bad about everything I produce. However, I don’t let these moments completely distract me from my goal: to be a writer who writes, not a writer who just keeps on whining about writing.

    So I go on. I take small breaks when things seem too much. I pick up something else to do like reading books I like and need. Of course, I indulge in unproductive activities, too. I watch shows and films on Netflix and elsewhere. I listen to a lot of sad songs on Spotify and sing my heart out loud on WeSing. I eat a lot and sometimes just do nothing. Sometimes, I just sleep.

    And once I am fine again, I continue to write. This time, more energized, focused, and determined. It is during these moments that I become more certain about the reasons why I am writing in the first place.

    I write because it’s what I want to do and because I’ve already given up a lot of things to get this far. I write because I believe in my stories. I write because I have faith in its ability to amplify the voices of the marginalized and document what’s taking place not just in me but also around me. I write because it matters.

    I write because I believe helps me get to know more about myself. By writing, I get a chance to scrutinize facts and narratives and memories until they make more sense until I heal from whatever wound they previously caused me.

    Sometimes, I even write in order to forgive. That’s because writing allows me to take a step back from experiences and process them more objectively and more thoroughly.

    I write because I can’t imagine myself doing something else. I write because although it’s so hard that it fleshes out all my flaws and insecurities, it also occasionally brings out the best in me. I write because, by writing, I get a chance to immortalize people and things. I also get to immortalize experiences.

    I write because even if it’s usually unrewarding, just being able to produce something can also feel great. Even if it takes a lot of work. Even if the process is sometimes painful.

    I write because I believe that I’m meant to do this, so even if there is still a lot of work to do and a lot of things to learn, I am ready. I write because I am willing to make the necessary sacrifices.

    I write because I’m a writer, and no, I don’t want to be anything else.